Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Duck typos.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.