Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.