Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My time has come.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.