finally found a reasonable question
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
181.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak