Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner