*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Shark week, but for squirrels.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry