Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.