Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.