Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.