Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
the #horror is real!
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.