finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Beware of the dog..
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
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