Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
You Might Also Like
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
You’ll be OK
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this