Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting