“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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Pickled cat.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I gave up going to work for lent.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback