FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
prepare for carbonated trouble
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.