financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.