Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away