FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I cannot call her anything else now
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?