FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
You Might Also Like
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
first you must answer his riddles
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.