Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
You Might Also Like
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Chemical wingman
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
and this one
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*