Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Selfie
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”