Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
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it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“That’s what” – She
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
This is the best one I’ve seen
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!