Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Family: come play dodgeball
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*candy crush request*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.