@The_MartiniGirl

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

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@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@4anno

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

@Mr57percent

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

@graceupongracie

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@glittercoco_

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

@Playing_Dad

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

@LadyBroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.