Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
March 16
Had an epiphany today.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.