Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend