Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.