Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath