Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
You Might Also Like
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it