Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Who did it better?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.