Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
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I’ve had worse
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
A woman drives into a bar.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg