Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button. - @Jake_Vig

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

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