@Jake_Vig

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

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@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@inmybox07

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

@scootergonscoot

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

@Brianhopecomedy

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

@LaniBeno

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

@MelvinofYork

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

@liljonlovitz

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me