Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?