Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Bros before Ohioes
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*