Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy