Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
i will not be silenced
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
somebody come look at this
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it