Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Who called it baking and not making love
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.