Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
m’lady
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.