Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I have a type: disappointing
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.