Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.