Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Sorry not sorry.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder