Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
When you’re here for the treats.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.