*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
How can I say no to this ?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before