*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.