*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
set yourself free xox
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house