[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower