*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
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this is the greatest thing ever
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring