*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]


Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.


*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*



LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers


The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?


Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.


*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”


No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.