* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.