FINE, I WON’T.
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Meme Monday.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.