Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Trumpy Cat
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.