Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Sign of the day..
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The dark side of Canada
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.