“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.