“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
What number SPF blocks people?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic