Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
You Might Also Like
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Girl, same.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself